previous entrys

i hate myself when i look in the mirror and look at myself i think i look okay; my face and body are fine, but when i think about my personality i want to disappear forever. the way i talk, how i'm so fucking shy and i can't do anything i'm so fucking useless. my own mom told me that. i can't cook or skate or play guitar, my hands are too small to reach the frets. i always compare myself to other people and i can't stop i try to but i can't. i'm so annoying that everyone has left me. all my old friends, i got kicked out of a band and they didn't even bother telling me, and all my exes only come back when they want nudes because the best thing about me is my body. maybe i'll tell you about them in another journal (there was six) my first real relationship was awful because of me i was too shy or clingy and now he hates me. he said i'm a horrible person and i'm stupid and pretictable and boring not funny. it's been 6 months but i still remember everything i want to move on but i can't. i'm such a fucking loser i say i want to change and i never do. sometimes i just want to die but i can't; i don't have the balls to kill myself. even when i just think about doing i cry. i'm stuck. my family says people who commit suicide are weak because they can't handle the real world ands it's true. i'm so weak and sensitive. two nights ago i asked my ex for closure, i just want to know that we don't hate eachother and he sent me this video, so of course i sent him this. then he told me to shut the fuck up. that's also when he told he i was a horrible person. now i hate myself even more because i cried over something as dumb as that. i'm such a stupid fucking crybaby. it's been six months since we broke up but if i'm being completely honest i still miss him sometimes. the only reason i still had his contacts and old love letters because i thought that we could get back together one day, but after this, i know that's never going to happen. i blocked him and i'm going to try to change. i want to be a good person again and love myself. i just want to be happy.